My Own Potty Stories

This time I thought I'd share some gems from when Drama Queen was 3:

Seeing a poor woman with many teeth missing, D.Q. pointed to each remaining tooth, saying, "You have one, two, free, and four teef!"

In the middle of Arby's, she asked (loudly), "Mommy, how come mans don't have big, floppy nipples like ladies do?"

In the bathroom of an upscale restaurant, D.Q. said - very loudly, of course! - "Mommy, why do grownup girls have black, fluffy fur on their bottoms?"

Have a great week!

Christmas List

I have not had much time to update lately because I have been a bit behind on things. To give you an idea, I spent the afternoon cleaning out the van from our Thanksgiving trip (we returned nearly a week ago). Since my life lately is consumed with lists - shopping lists, to do lists, wish lists, etc. - I thought that it would be appropriate for today's entry to also be a list:

Number of times I told the kids today to stop honking on the decorative horn that is supposed to hang on the wall: 1,362
Number of times they listened: 0
Broken snowglobes I've cleaned up today: 2
Total number of Christmas decorations broken today: 7
Number of Christmas trees we're putting up this year (see above for explanation): 0

On a happier note:
Number of days I have gone to Jazzercise this week: Every day!
Pounds lost since starting Jazzercise 3 weeks ago: 3 (It's a start; would've been more if it hadn't been for Thanksgiving!)

We're enjoying the Christmas season in Georgia so far. The mild weather is so nice, although we will miss the little bit of snow we used to get in KY. There is so much to do here. After this weekend we will have attended 3 Christmas parades!

Have a great weekend, everyone!

My Day in Court

Well, I finally had my day in court for my speeding ticket. It wasn't as scary as I had thought it would be. It was more weird than anything. The courtroom was packed and the judge spent several minutes explaining our rights, the procedures, etc. She then said that the majority of us would merely be paying fines, then the rest were actual court cases. Starting with the people who only had to pay fines, she had a stack of citations 8-10 inches high and called out a person's name for each one. My heart sank when she didn't call my name! My name was in the next group of hardened criminals. There was even an official manila folder for my case, which made me feel even more like an outlaw! We were sent out to wait in line to speak to a clerk and tell her how we were going to plead. So, I waited my turn, told her that I pled "guilty", paid my fine, and that was it. I never had to officially face the judge. I tried to plead nolo contendere (no contest), but that was not an option because of how fast I had been going. I'm sure you're wondering by now: the grand total (for speeding and expired registration) was $325. Yikes!

I had been so angry with myself for getting a ticket when I was not even in a hurry. But then I think of all the other times I WAS running late and deliberately broke the speed limit and just didn't get caught. When I look at it that way, I sure got off easy! The law is working, though; my speeding days are over. I drive like a grandma these days and watch my speed carefully. I am also more aware of road signs. I used to zone out and not pay much attention.

This all reminds me of a story I read in Guideposts about a woman who was wrongly jailed for shoplifting. She had bought a garment at Store A, then in a dressing room of a Store B she tried it on again to compare it to an item from Store B. Someone watching the security cameras (creepy thought!) saw her put the first garment into her shopping bag and mistakenly thought she was stealing something from Store B. She was handcuffed and hauled off to jail. As she sat there feeling sorry for herself, she got to thinking about little things she'd pilfered before. I don't remember the specifics, but I recall one item being a spoon from a restaurant, so they were pretty small things. Then she thought about how in God's eyes, stealing is sin, no matter what the cost of the item. Looking at it this way, by the time she had spent an hour in jail and was cleared and sent home, she felt that even though she hadn't done anything wrong, in a different way she was paying for past sins. That's kind of how I felt when I had to pay the speeding ticket. (Although, to truly pay for my past sins, I should have paid a LOT more!)

Speaking of sins, I have to share something my oldest said. This happened many months ago, but it still makes me smile. My dear hubby (who I have yet to assign a blog nickname; I'll get back to you on that!) was having a nightly Bible study with the kids. The topic was sin, and Pete commented, "Grownups never sin." Hubby corrected him, saying, "Oh, but grownups DO sin. Sometimes they get angry, and they yell, and -" At that point Drama Queen interrupted, saying, "Mommy sins a lot!" Sigh. Gotta work on that one. (Really, I'm getting a lot better!)

Pics

I wanted to add some recent pics of the kids for those who haven't seen them for awhile. I welcome comments, but please note that I am trying to keep the blog anonymous, so I am not using their real names.

Because we love nicknames, it was fun getting to choose some that fit just as well as their "real" names, if not even better! Here they are:


Drama Queen



















Persnickety Pete





















Screech



















Despite the tongue-in-cheek names, I am truly blessed and am thankful for the unique personalities of my children! It's funny; most of the traits that earned them their names are those they got from me.

Drama Queen is passionate and enthusiastic about EVERYTHING. (She, too, enjoys enhancing her writing with bold fonts, all caps and LOTS of exclamation points!!!!!!!!!!)

In Persnickety Pete's world, everything must be just a certain way or he's bent out of shape.

Screech has her mama's temper! I'm also quite sure she is the child that my mother-in-law wished upon my husband; see yesterday's post, For the "Someday I'll Look Back and Laugh" File.

For the "Someday I'll Look Back and Laugh" File

The Joy of Toddlers
a play in one naughty act
by The (Almost) Amazing Mammarino

Cast of Characters

Mom - A hardworking homeschooler who is sick, on medicine that makes her feel worse, and is generally having "one of those days"

Drama Queen - Mom's oldest child, a girl, age 7

Persnickety Pete - Mom's second child, a 5 year old boy

Screech - Mom's youngest child, a high maintenance girl, age 21 months

Setting: A disheveled home with puzzle pieces dumped on the floor, papers strewn everywhere, and math manipulatives scattered in each room. Mom, half asleep, is in the kitchen slapping together some sandwiches for lunch. Drama Queen, Persnickety Pete, and Screech are not less than 6 feet away in the homeschool room, doing who knows what.

Mom: Drama Queen, what is Screech doing?

Drama Queen: Disinterested. I dunno.

Mom: Persnickety Pete, what is Screech doing?

Persnickety Pete: She's just playing with something.

Mom: Suspicious. Playing with what?

Persnickety Pete: Ummmm . . .

The mayo-encrusted knife clatters to the counter as Mom rushes to investigate.



Screech, wearing a brand new blouse and her best jumper, is surrounded by half-empty containers of Halloween makeup. Mom cries.

Not "The End"

(There's never an end when you have a toddler!!!!!)

Not wishing this blog entry to be entirely negative, I thought I'd give you a sneak peek into my prayer life today . . .


Father, thank you . . .

. . . that there were fresh batteries in my camera,
. . . that no makeup found its way onto our (very) white carpet,
. . . that I didn't say any naughty words,
. . . that the makeup came off easily with soap and water, and
. . . for my funny, sweet girl, who is a limitless source of blog material!

Brassiere Gear

My 21 month old loves to carry purses around. She will carry around anything that has a handle (or strip of material resembling a handle) and announce, "Go bye-bye!" Previous pseudo-purses have included bibs, hats, and articles of clothing. Her purse of choice today was one of my bras which she pilfered from the laundry basket. What disturbed me was that considering the size and depth of the cups, it actually could pass for a two-compartment carryall, albeit a peculiar one.

I used to dress up like a funny old country lady and read aloud the children's book, Possum Come a-Knockin' by Nancy Van Laan. It started out as a stunt for a Gong Show-style fundraiser for a Christian teen outreach ministry, then I later did it for schools, reading conferences, and even my sick sister in the hospital. The costume was hysterical. I found a garish floral blouse and wraparound skirt to clash at Goodwill, then added rolled-down knee high stockings (think Mama's Family) and workboots. I topped it all off with dangly, baubly jewelry, Halloween eyeglasses (the ones with pictures of eyes on the lenses), a battered baseball cap and my favorite, the Billy Bob teeth. What really completed the look, though, was the bra. I had bought the biggest one I could find at Wal-Mart and stuffed it with two large water balloons. Being 8 months pregnant with my first child at the time, you can imagine how outrageously funny this looked.

What depressed me, though, is that after I had my baby and started nursing, that bra fit perfectly! Sigh . . . and to think that once upon a time I got busted for stuffing my tiny training bra with Kleenex. Yep, those were the good ole days!

Climbing Mount Washmore

It's easy to get behind on laundry when you're homeschooling, but y'all, this is really bad. I am finally going through my mountain of special needs laundry: sweaters, frou-frou church dresses, and the worst - the dreaded stain pile. I don't mind doing laundry, but I DESPISE stain treating. (It doesn't help that I'm a perfectionist and will wash an item 67 times to get out a speck of mustard a millimeter in diameter.) Because of this, I conveniently get all the laundry done except the stained clothes. The pile kept growing and growing until it threatened to topple over and smother us all. Seeing that we enjoy breathing so much, I decided to chip away at the pile tonight. I've made some startling discoveries:

- I'm further behind than I had thought;

- There are several boy's outfits in the stain pile sized 24 months and smaller (my son currently wears a size 6); and

- I've discovered quite a few hand-me-downs that will fit my 21 month old little girl (my older daughter is in second grade).

Whoooooo boy. I just started a hearty washerful of "laundry soup" with some of the more salvageable clothing, two cups of Tide and 3 packets of Oxy Clean. I'm going to let it soak for awhile. (Maybe a month.)

The really bad stuff needs more drastic treatment. Enter the famous stain recipe (thanks to The Tightwad Gazette). When I had just one easy infant (and made my own baby food and baby wipes, stayed current on her scrapbook, and had this whole mommy thing down pat), I had a batch of this stuff going 24/7. Blowout? No prob. Just rinse, throw the vile garment in for a few days, stir every once in awhile, then wash as usual. POOF! No stain! Here it is:

Stain Recipe

1 cup Clorox II (no substitutions)
1 cup Cascade (no substitutions)
5 gallons of the hottest water to come from the faucet

Mix together in a large pail with tight-fitting lid (to keep out curious toddlers). Add colorfast items (learned this the hard way) and soak for as long as needed, stirring every day, then wash as usual. I usually soak until the stain is almost gone, spray with Shout or Spray & Wash, then wash as usual.

True story: On a trip to California when my firstborn was 6 months old, we traveled on a lonely stretch of highway for hours without finding any source for warm water to make a bottle. (She was one of those that HAD to have it at just the right temperature or she refused it.) The only other things I had to feed her were several jars of strained carrots. What a mess! The terry cloth bib she had been wearing got stuffed into her diaper bag and forgotten - for over 3 months. When I discovered the wretched thing, it could have passed for a Halloween accessory. The furry black mildew complimented the carrots just perfectly. Never one to throw anything away, I shrugged my shoulders and tossed it into the stain bucket. I left it in there for about four months, so it went through several changes of solution. By the time I washed it, it was as good as new - no trace of mildew or carrots! (Stubbornness CAN pay off sometimes!)